Emotional

I feel like I’m constantly pretending, pretending to be happy, pretending I’m ok, pretending that I’m not screaming inside.  I turned 32 and all of a sudden it’s like everything I thought I wanted wasn’t what I wanted anymore, and the things I saw for my future just got put on hold.  I get up I go to work I come home.  On weekends I distract myself with friends, wine, shopping and tv.  But I feel empty still.  I feel lost and confused and not happy.  What is happiness though?  What or who defines it?  Is it a relationship with someone you love or is it the things you do?  Or is it all of it?  If one thing isn’t working in your life can that ruin your everyday happiness?  I keep looking for answers, for an escape, but all i’m left with is just waiting.  I feel like I’m in a constant state of waiting.  Waiting for something to click in me, waiting for the AHA moment, waiting for an answer.  I’m just sitting and waiting.  It’s exhausting mentally and physically.  I know that I have to make the changes, I know that I have to do something, but what is it?  What do I do?  What do I even want to do?  That feeling of stuck, just wanting to get out, to breathe, to feel.  I felt it before I made the decision to move to LA.  I moved here and then everything was starting to fall into place.  I had the apartment, the job, the boyfriend, the acting school.  Then everything shifted in a split second.  Everything changed, and I’ve been just hanging on, pretending, living, existing.  I make great money, I have the schedule I want, I still have my apartment, but my sanity is hanging in the balance, and I don’t know if an acting career is even what I want anymore.  I want to fight for everything I want but I’m tired, I’m tired of doing all the work, I’m tired.  So here I am still stuck when I thought I had it all figured it out.  I’m still stuck.  All I want to do is live, live in the moment, try new things, be brave, be happy, be loved, give love, smile, and not worry about tomorrow or the future.  How I get there I don’t know, but I hope in time I get there.  I have to make changes starting today starting now.  I have to be my happiness.

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