Looking Within

I just realized one of the reasons I’m not making any decisions for myself is because I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of what others will think of me. I’m afraid they will criticize me. But the truth is I’m not happy right now. I’m stagnant. I’m numb. I don’t have the motivation like I used to. I feel empty. And I keep trying to recreate the past. I keep trying to search for myself. The one I lost. But I’ve changed. I’m different after my trauma I experienced and I have to learn to love this new me. And everyone else has to love and accept me too. I think they are wondering what happened to me as well and they have an expectation of me. I’m trying to be comfortable with this new version of me. I’m always going to be Jen, goofy, clumsy, singing dancing Jen. But I’ve had loss, I’ve had heartache, I’ve had scary shit happen to me. I’ve been trying to cope with it now for 5 years and I think I thought by moving back to Los Angeles, where I used to be happy, I would fix everything. Or I would be back to the old me. But I’m not in that place anymore. I feel like I have only made life difficult by this added pressure I have put on myself for so long. That I can only live in LA to pursue my passion. But when I’m here I don’t pursue it. Because I’m not happy and I need my happiness back. That comes from me being at home with myself. I feel that during Covid I learned a lot about myself and what my values truly are. My family always comes first. I will sacrifice for them. I will do anything for them. And when I was alone with my thoughts for that long something shifted in me. My goals changed. My dreams changed. And now it’s scary to face that my life may be turning out differently than I expected. It’s scary to maybe not want the same things I used to want. I’m discovering new things every day about myself and it’s terrifying. But I have to listen to my gut. I can’t let others define me. They don’t get to walk in my shoes. Only I do. So I’m looking within. And I’m growing. And I’m learning. And I may have to make decisions people don’t like but I can’t live in this stagnant place anymore. I have to live for me.

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