Living for myself

I care too much what people think.  I always have.  Since I was a little girl, never wanting to disappoint anyone or say the wrong things.  I hold back.  I hold back what I really feel, what I really want to say.  I  have an inner monologue running in my head.  Should I say this to this person, maybe not, what will they say, oh god what if I don’t make sense, oh I’ll just be quiet, umm I’ll just wait a sec to say anything.  Yep I’ll wait.  And then, word vomit happens.  I don’t make sense, I’m speaking for the other person only.  This is what I think the other person will want to hear.  And I use this as an example for when people want to know about what I want in my life and why I do this or why I do that.  Sometimes the answer is simply I don’t know or maybe it’s just because I want to.  Or I don’t want to.  Lately I’ve been thinking about how much I don’t do because I’m afraid of what other people will say about me.  Because I know some people will have an opinion about me that will hurt.  I’ve been going down a different path lately.  A lot of people, family, friends won’t understand but it’s my journey to figure out.  It’s my path to take.  We only learn and grow by taking risks, by exploring life, by taking chances.  I’ve always been spiritual but I’m afraid to talk about it with certain people.  Will they approve?  Will they laugh?  Who cares. The creators, the wanderers, the free birds will understand but society won’t.  I didn’t just come on this planet to work, pay bills, go home, and have a little free time with loved ones.  There’s so much more to life, there’s so much more to explore.  I want to travel, write, sing, dance, play, love, act, live, and be it all.  This goes back to my blog about I’m not just one thing.  Recently I have felt like LA is toxic and not good for me.  Right away people jump to but you came here for acting, don’t give it up.  Who said I’m giving up? Who said I’m gonna find what I want here in LA?  Who says it’s written in stone that just because I thought one thing yesterday I want that same thing today?  I want a lot and life has taught me that all you have is the present moment, the now.  Tomorrow may be gone.  So what can you do right now?  What do you want right now?  In ten years it may be different, but ten years isn’t now.  We have to live and learn and grow. I have to live and learn and grow.  I have to let go.  Let go of the past, the bully’s, the ones that made me think I had to be a certain way.  I know it’s ok, I’m ok.  I’m strong and brave.  It’s hard to not disappoint but it’s also harder to not live a life you want because of what others will think.  Your true friends will be there for you, and your family will love you.  Because you chose to be the gorgeous beautiful spirit you were born to be.  So like Taylor Swift sings about…. Haters gonna hate hate hate, but you got to shake it off.  Live for you

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