I’m in Australia and it’s magical. My job ended Feb 29th, I packed up my belongings and left LA April 16th, and now here I am in Sydney enjoying a glass of red wine. I’m wandering, exploring, seeing the world. I’m giving myself the break it deserves. If you had told me last year when I was home crying after a long day at work that I’d be in Australia the next year I wouldn’t believe it. For that matter I wouldn’t have believed my job would end. I felt so lost, so stuck, so wanting to get out of it. And now I’m making room for space, for new things to take place. I’ve always loved my comfort zone, but it’s time to make the changes I deserve. I’ve been in Sydney for 5 days and next I go to New Zealand, followed by a week in Tasmania. I’m living life and choosing to have fun.
Are you stuck in a meaningless job? There was a time I stayed in a job that was crushing my soul little by little every day. I stayed there almost 3 years. Why? Was it worth it? Looking back, I just wanted to make sure my bills got paid. I was making great money, I was secure, I was safe. Was I happy? No. Was I gaining weight and getting sick all the time? Yes. Was I crying almost every night after work? Yes. Again, was it worth it? No. I could have walked away. I could have said enough is enough. I deserve better. I deserve to feel amazing every day of my life. So, how do you listen to that inner voice? How do you walk away from something toxic? When do you stick it out verses knowing it’s time to start again somewhere else? I kept sticking it out. I kept hoping it would get better. At times it did. I made great friends, but then I also had horrible relationships there as well. So, I didn’t listen to my voice. I didn’t see the signs even though they were right in front of me. I believe we learn from every experience in life. This particular experience made me believe that you have to just trust yourself. You have to believe that you will be able to pay the bills, you will be safe, but somewhere else. The Universe always rises up to meet you when you’re ready. Here’s some advice for you….
- Look for the signs…. Any sign that resonates with you that your current job is not worth it. Mine was constantly rude customers, constant fights among certain co-workers, anxiety, headaches, fatigue. My health being affected was a huge sign.
- Listen to you heart…. What’s your heart telling you??? Not your brain, Not your ego, but your heart, your soul, your passion. Yes we have to pay bills, but there’s always something better out there. Follow the laws of attraction and visualize.
- Trust your intuition… The first day I started at this job, my gut told me something was off. I remember not wanting to work there, not wanting to stay there the first week. But I stuck it out. Things got better, but horrible at first, then better, then horrible again. I remember driving into the parking lot thinking to myself this doesn’t feel right. I felt resistance in my body.
- Don’t be afraid to quit… I was always afraid I wouldn’t find another job, or afraid to start somewhere new, afraid the money wouldn’t be as good somewhere else, etc etc. Fear shouldn’t be the reason you sacrifice living a fulfilled life.
- You are enough and You matter…. People will try to tear you down in life no matter where you are. The key is to not take it personally. The key is to know that the person tearing you down is only mirroring their own reflection onto you.
I’m not perfect, I know I’m sensitive, and I know I could have not taken things so personally at my job, but I do matter, and my voice matters. Defending yourself every day, feeling insecure every day, crying every day for what? A job is not worth it. It’s not worth you losing your sanity. In the end, I made positive friendships, I saved a lot of money, and I learned a lot about myself. So, in my situation staying led to a positive result, however I’m still recovering from the years there. In a weird ironic way, my gut telling me to leave but also telling me to stick it out led to me feeling emotionally drained, yet made me see how life has to be lived truthfully. What’s your truth? What’s your passion? Quit the draining job, follow your highest potential, and find out. Trust and have faith. Don’t let your job or anything or anyone suck you dry. Let your light shine.
They are the glue to my life, they hold this family together. They represent everything I am and everything I love. I’m grateful for us. I’m grateful that through hard days, through amazing days I have them, no matter what.
I admire my sister. I envy her confidence and that she doesn’t care what people think. She’s tough as nails and works her ass off. I envy her intelligence. As a child I watched her read Bronte and Vonnegut, I watched her struggle with mean girls that would never understand the beauty within her like I did, I watched her defend me and love me even though I was the younger bratty sister sometimes. I watched her. She taught me to be strong. She showed me how to do my makeup and how to rise after my 1st heartbreak. My sister. I am my fathers daughter and no one is like my father. He is one of a kind. One funny Sicilian man. I am proud to be his daughter, proud of where he comes from. When I was little my dad was the dad who was in all of our fun skits, dressed as whatever character we wanted him to be. He sang to us, He loves us. The smell of coffee in the early morning, the phone calls that happen when a worried father is concerned about his daughters, this man comes home every night from working two jobs. He works his ass off, and he’s amazing at it. I admire my dad. I admire him for working two jobs. He teaches me to work hard but to enjoy the little things like family time. He brings us together always for family bbqs and has carried our holiday traditions passed down by my Nonna. My father. My mother, my gorgeous intelligent mother is my rock. She’s beauty and strength and courage and kindness and honor. She puts everything on hold and sacrifices it all for her family. She thinks of herself last and us first. She is my soul mate, my twin flame. As a child I watched her do it all. I watched my beautiful mother work so hard to pay bills, I watched her work hard to feed me and my sister. I watched her always put a smile on our faces even when she wanted to cry after a long day, I watched her hold it together, I watched her prevail. I want to be my mom and sacrifice for love. She teaches me everyday that love wins, love is more important than bills, than any job, than any hardship. She teaches me how to be strong, how to believe in myself, to remember where I come from. My mother. The goddess, The glue. They are my glue. We are held together, unbreakable, we are family. We are what matters. We are three forces to be reckoned with. We rise together and love each other no matter what. My family, my heart I love you
Stuff in storage…. Check
Wanderlust spiritual new adventure begins. Tata LA for now. The crazy people screaming, the traffic, the noise will not be missed. However my friends I’ve made, the bonds will never break. My unhappiness here has stopped me from doing what I love, has held me captive in my tiny apartment all alone for too long. I need to find me, find my path. And walk the talk ;). To a clean slate, To new beginnings that, who knows, may bring me back here one day. I need nature, family, friends, and quiet. I need long nights under the stars with my love, I need early morning sunrises, I need to live and breathe fresh air. My cat needs it too ha. This decision was hard to make considering my dream was to come to LA to act, however LA has kind of taken its toll on me. And the dream still lives and dreams can happen anywhere, I choose to make it happen somewhere else. It’s quite sad that the rule that society has made is you can only live in Los Angeles to make it as an actress. I disagree with this whole heartedly and know that the path around the corner may be the better way for me. A lot of people will disagree with me and I’ll agree with them. I’m probably crazy, who knows. All I know is I wake up with a thirst for life. I wake up wanting more. I always thought it was to move to LA and be on tv or film. But it’s not that. It’s something deep within my soul. Something burning and itching to come to life. So here I go, and who knows what will happen. But I’m ready for anything at this point.
Today is my day, my day to shine, my day to sparkle
No one can take anything away from me, nothing can stop me
I am here, I am alive, I am breathing
I am one with this universe, I am Me, I am free
Free to walk when I want
Free to feel the sun on my skin
Free to breathe it all in
I am Me, I stand tall, I stand proud
I learn, I grow, I begin
Today is my day
Feb 17, 2016
To be strong and courageous and healthy and the powerful goddess that you are.
Jump, don’t sit, leap, don’t wait, risk, love, take a chance even if you are unsure.
Curiosity is all you need to fly. What are you waiting for? Believe, don’t hesitate.
Anxiety, sickness, fatigue is all false yet a sign you are fighting against yourself.
Your body is the key. What is it telling you? What are you resisting? What are you not saying?
Silence and fear and unhappiness comes out in the physical body, to tell us we aren’t living our life’s purpose.
Be the strong powerful creature you are. Run wild with the wolves and don’t look back. All is possible.
No one is going to understand the journey I’m on, the path I’m taking. Sometimes I don’t even understand it. But I guess that’s what life does to you. Experiences, people, time, and life affect your every waking moment. You look around and you think and feel and taste it. A need for change. An ache in your soul to do something different, to get out of your head, to be bold and free. No one can tell you how to be. No one can tell you what’s right or wrong. Only you can know the difference. Only you can experience what you’re going through and what you’re feeling. It’s hard to face people and explain yourself but you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to explain your desires, your passions, your confusions, your emotions, your whys or reasons. Who the fuck cares. We live in a world where bills and practicality are the norm, the expected. We must be practical, we must, we must. Life is a gift, a gift that may be taken away at any moment. So why not take the chances we want to take. Why not do everything we want to do. When people ask me why would you leave a place you dreamed about moving to, why would you leave a dream you planned on having here. I say to them why not? For my entire life I’ve had “the dream” but I never understood why I didn’t fight for it, why I didn’t do the work. I read an article recently that talked about wanting the dream as an end result, but not enduring the struggle it requires to get there. Maybe right now I just want to live and experience life rather then just hanging on to a dream and the struggle it requires. Or maybe just maybe the off beaten path is the right one that will get me to my dream. Maybe just maybe this urge to leap is inside of me for a reason. Maybe just maybe my inner calling is finally screaming at me to do something for once, for myself and not for others. Something that I want that people may disagree with. No one understands why someone wants to start over or go do yoga on a hillside. But I need to find myself. Or maybe I just need a break from toxic people, toxic space, toxic living to be at peace again. To be the little girl again, dancing and singing in her nonna’s garage to an invisible audience. To be the girl again on a stage with adrenaline pulsing through her veins. To be the girl again that sacrificed everything to perform in one of her favorite musicals. I want that passion back, that thrill, that excitement. And if that means me running away to meditate and be zen then so be it. This is for all the wanderers out there, for all the creative souls. Let’s hold our heads high, and be proud of ourselves. We’re doing it, we’re living, breathing creatures of the night.