The Many Faces of Depression

I have depression. I have anxiety. It comes and goes in stages but it’s definitely present. I think it all started for me at a young age. Being picked on in school for my weight. I used to have really bad allergies so I would chew with my mouth open, didn’t even know I was doing it. And I was yelled at for it. I was told I was ugly, chubby, a whiner, stupid, bratty, too sensitive. Did I let it break me? NO. Did i move on? YES. But do those wounds still hurt, yes. And throughout my life I have been bullied on occasion, walked on, told what to do, and what’s funny is I’m really nice to people. I don’t judge people, I listen, I care, I care too much, I want to please others. But why?????? What have others done down for me but cut me and put me down. They have made me feel less than I am, weak. And it has fucking hurt. I’m an empath. I’m a sponge. Words stick to me. So I may be smiling and have my makeup on but that morning I was crying in the shower, I was praying for a better day. The same thing applies when you are sick. Well, you don’t look sick so how could you possibly be sick. Well my stomach pains and headache really don’t show on the outside. My depression doesn’t show either. It’s concealed and only shown to me when I’m home alone. It comes out on occasion but for the most part it’s my demon. When people say well you look so happy in pictures, you were having fun, so how can you be depressed??? This one drives me crazy. News flash, I need happiness and fun events to combat the depression. To be with loved ones, to do things that bring happiness into my life. Anxiety is another demon that protects me and ruins me. It is more visible but it exists. These are real symptoms. They don’t just go away. They can, with meditation and prayer, and affirmations, and love and kindness and happiness. But they exist. And that’s alright.  You’re not weird, you’re not a lost cause. You’re not anything but you. And society has defined it as being a bad thing. But what if it’s just that you feel too much, you absorb everything. You need the depression to kick you into gear. To be the best version of yourself, to see it’s time to fight for yourself. To not fear life but to live it. I have depression, I have anxiety but it doesn’t define me. I can be happy with it, I can be having fun with it. I can accept it and feel it. And I can also rise above it.